“Want to meet up?” he asked me. I responded with a quick yes as his well-being scared me.
Thirty minutes later I was in Dartmouth and I was parked next to him. He rolled his window down and said, “Do you want to go for a drive?” I got out of my car and joined him in his. This is something I have done tens of times with him but for some reason this one time something felt off. I put my seatbelt on in anticipation of something bad happening.
He took off going much faster than he should have been. “He’s showing off” I told myself, “Nothing to worry about.”
“There was a stop sign there,” I said as he sped through the stop sign without stopping. “Not anymore.” He responded.
After a few minutes of driving faster than the speed limit, in silence through a residential area, I had a feeling in my stomach that what was about to happen wasn’t going to be good.
Making a right hand turn onto Waverly Road, a very winding Waverly Road I started to fear for my life, as I knew how winding this road it was and I knew that the speed limit was 50.
He didn’t seem to care about the winding road or the speed limit. My heart is racing; I start to have a slight panic attack as I see the speedometer very quickly going higher and higher until it hit 110, 60kms over the speed limit. Picking up speed, as we got closer to each corner. Going so fast that the car would jump as we made a turn.
My hands are sweating my heart is racing. The further we went the more depressing the music seemed to get. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say.
His phone kept buzzing. With every buzz you could hear him say “fuck off” but he would still take his eyes off the road, look down at his phone and respond to a message in great length. I really didn’t think that this drive could get any scarier but apparently I was wrong.
As cars would come towards us he would veer into the oncoming traffic and at the last minute he would veer back into our lane.
“Do I call the police? Do I even take my phone out of my pocket to send a text or will that trigger him?” These were all questions I was asking myself internally. But instead I did nothing. I continued to sit there scared and in shock.
I finally turned to him and I grabbed his arm and I said, “There is no need.” He pulled his arm away and responded by saying, “yes there is.”
As an adrenaline junkie, and someone who has been to remote countries, there have been so many times and ways I could have died. This was not how I pictured I would die, but I 100% thought that my life was going to end that night.
I knew he was in a bad place, so many times before he had told me goodbye. He didn’t want to live anymore. I knew he wanted to kill himself But I couldn’t understand why he wanted to potentially kill me as well.
Was that even what he was doing? Why was he not talking to me? Did I do something wrong? Was I caring too much? Why did I have so many questions?
After what felt like an eternity I decided to just sit back, breath and just be silent. Although what he was doing wasn’t right and very dangerous, he was handling himself and the car really well, and that’s when I realized this wasn’t his first time doing this.
Silence speaks when words can’t. I knew he was dealing with a lot. What he was dealing with, I don’t know, but I knew it was something.
The drive continued up to Oakfield Lake and then we took the same route home. He still drove way over the speed limit, but I felt more comfortable on the drive back. I’m not sure why but I felt safer and at peace.
Thirty minutes later we pulled up to my car, he put the car in park, turned to me and said “I can’t do this anymore” and he broke down crying.
It was in that moment that I realized his depression ran much deeper than mine.